If you think about something every day, never give up on it.

My first blog. Well, my first one for a very long time. A lot has happened since I last wrote and my focus has somewhat changed.

Mother Nature. An incredible force, not to be reckoned with. Not to be questioned.

I used to think the whole world revolved around me. My thoughts. My feelings. My opinions. And in some way, it’s still the same today. However, my priorities have changed.

I read the phrase ‘if you think about something everyday, never give up on it’ the other day and for me this couldn’t be more relevant at the moment. This could be important for many people for many different aspects of their life but for me, my one thought I have everyday is ‘I want to be a mother’.

For some lucky people, they don’t even need to think about how they can make this happen. For them, all it is, is a little bit of fun and wham bam thank you ma’am, they are pregnant. Easy as that. For some, it’s takes longer. Unfortunately for me, I am one of the latter.

I have been with my husband for 7.5 years. I’ll be honest, we have very rarely used anything. I knew from the moment I met him, I wanted to give him one of life’s little gifts. We have really been focusing of the whole ‘getting pregnant’ idea for the last 3 years. Throughout these years, I have seen many friends, family and colleagues announce their pregnancy and give birth to beautiful children. I am so happy for them. So happy that they have been given the greatest title anyone could ever have, parents.

But am I happy for them?

I have been struggling with this question for years and I am still none the wiser.

The hardest moment for me is when my sister in law announced her pregnancy. 4 months after their wedding. I burst into tears. I couldn’t understand those tears either which was the most frustrating part.

They are the most perfect couple. Good jobs, nice house, lovely extended family. To me, that have everything. Completely different to myself and my husband. We have a solid, loving relationship and I wouldn’t never change that. Apart from one thing. That I would change.

I tried to show I was happy for them, I really did. But I have never felt so empty. So, nothing.

As the time went on, her bump got bigger. Everyone was excited and I joined in. I was excited for them. I think I genuinely was. But I couldn’t help myself wish that was me. Wish I was the person everyone was cooing over  I wish I was the girl who has a beautiful little miracle growing inside her tummy.

But on the Wednesday after work, I got a call. She had lost the baby. At 30 weeks. Pain I could never imagine going through. I remember thinking back to the early days, thinking maybe she won’t have this baby. She might loose it. And actually, in a horrible, disgusting way, I wanted that.

I am one of the most generous people you could ever meet. I put everyone before myself, I would do anything for anyone. I love helping people in need and I never ask for anything in return. So having those thoughts go through my head, more than disappointed me.

But when I got that call. I was devastated. I was genuinely devastated. I realised I have just lost the closest thing I might ever be able to have, to have kids. My niece.

The next few weeks were hard times for the family. Unfortunately this happened 4 weeks before my wedding, which was supposed to be the happiest time for the family. But we got through it and now it’s a waiting game until I have to go through this all again. Until they announce they are expecting.

They know our situation. They know we are trying and that we are going through the fertility process. Every time I saw her, I always wondered ‘is she pregnant’.

Until one evening at a party, she wasn’t drinking. I asked her out right if she was pregnant and she admitted it. Mind you, only a month or so gone but she started crying and said she didn’t know how to tell us. I was happy for her. Of course I was. I’ve been expecting it.

Everyday I track my cycle by seeing on a stick  glamourous I know  it shouldn’t be how a 26 year old starts their morning. Every day I think if there is something different. Hope their is something different about my body. From headaches to heart burn to cramps to bloating. Every month I repeatedly search symptoms online and just wish that my period doesn’t come and that 2 little lines do instead.

Its not a way to live is it. Not really. But all I want is a little human to love me, to rely on me and look up to me for the rest of my life. I have days when I struggle more than others. I just don’t know how to deal with this emptiness inside me. This sinking feeling every time I see a pregnant lady. This hope I once had, quickly disappearing.

I wish someone could help me. I wish someone could tell me everything is going to be ok. I just wish someone would tell me that what I think about everyday, will happen eventually.

But they can’t. No one can. That’s Mother Nature you see. Unpredictable. Some people feel her brute force more than others.