Pain pain go away don’t come back another day! 

Bloating, cramps, mood swing, head aches, hot flushes – just to name a few. 

PMS or pregnancy symptoms?! 

The week before Aunt Flow is due to visit is alwasy the hardest for me. I scrutinise every single feeling I have, google it and convince myself it’s a symptom of a miracle. It’s bad I know. I literally melded into a bubble of false hope. It’s the same every month. I read articles on symptom again and again. Month after month. Like I’ve never read them before. Hoping they will say something different. Hoping they will confirm that everything I’m feeling is the sign I’ve been hoping for. 

Most months, I feel pregnant. Or at least I think I do. But that’s an imagination for you. I’ve always had an active one. 

I think of ways I’m going to tell people. I think of ways to decorate the nursery. I think of names. 

It get so bad I just have to take a test to confirm I’m not. Otherwise, I would go insane. My thoughts would get the better of me. 

The last couple of days I’ve really been feeling this. Ive thought – this is the month! I have really got myself worked up thinking I’m finally going to be a mummy. I didn’t want to take a test. I didn’t want to loose this hope. 

But I had too. 

And I lost my hope. 

Not pregnant. 

The two words I just hate to see together. 

It’s upset me too. I’ve been in a foul mood all day. People keeps asking what’s wrong. I can’t exactly tell them – oh well I thought I was pregnant finally after years of trying but took a test and it was just my imagination. All good though. It’s just not right is it. People just don’t understand. 

I feel so alone. My better half doesn’t understand. He doesn’t have those tummy twinges, those silly little feelings which make you wonder. 

I just feel myself spiralling out of control with these thoughts and feel as though I’ve lost all hope. I begin to hate people with kids. Hate people complaing about their children. Hate people taking about pregnancy. 

I got told today by a guy I sit next to at work. It’ll be you next. This time next year you’ll have a baby. He doesn’t know what I’m going through but apparently that’s the right thing to say. 

It’s not. But he doesn’t know does he. 

I’m ranting again. Always makes me feel better. 

It’ll happen, one day. Don’t loose hope. 

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